Waking Up:

My usual week of not walking around completely emotionally neutered is here and yet it's taking longer than usual for me to wake up.

Some females go through a physical transformation once a month, but that is not something I deal with. Instead I spend a week out of each Moon giving into everything I strive so hard to repress the rest of the time.

The twisted shit is coiling around inside of my head. The type of shit I couldn't even begin to put into words because they go beyond a cry for attention or help into straight-up psyche-ward territory.

Whispers and thoughts and the promise of vile deeds. They fill my very being like a lover's caress.  

Like the fluttering of a month's wings.

Delusional is acceptable within the Occult, but perversity is something to disprove of and wag a finger at.

It's not easy silencing myself. Especially when the human species gives me so many delightful tragedies to get giddy over.

There's a reason my Lady choose me. There is a part of me that embraces the worst the Darkness has to offer and I relish in it.

So yes, the sickness is wide awake, but that high I usually feel when it starts going really good is missing.

I'm not the way I am just because I want to offend those around me. I don't destroy people's lives just for the Hell of it. 

Not for attention, as if I wanted something from you, I would take it. I don't need to work for it. 

Your very Dreaming lies naked and vulnerable to me, wide open for ravishment if I so desire.  

And there are so many of you whom I have already violated quite thoroughly.

Not for you do I do this, but the way it makes me feel, when I'm neck-deep in Chaos and viscera. When my fingers are manipulating your strings. When I make you dance for my pleasure. 

That feeling inside......a thousand times better than any high, any orgasm, any feeling that can be imagined.

It is power. The type of power that makes me disregard my very mortal fears of hubris. It is the power of a God.

And why not?

Not all Gods rule over Creation. 

Summoning Psychopomps:

I'm not entirely sure just what type of entity that thing is supposed to be...whether it's a demon, an angel, or a Godsdamn faerie....but I do know that a frakin' pentacle isn't the correct symbol needed to ritualistically summon it's bony ass up from whatever back-water Hell dimension it happens to reside in.
 

Seriously, WTF is that thing? It looks like the bastard love child of The Grim Reaper and Baphomet.

Sister Lost:

I once made the claim that I had never lived before this life. I do not disbelieve in reincarnation, but I do not believe that it is a rule which affects all people.

During the years when I held this belief regarding my own soul, I was convinced that I had never before lived as a human being.

In this I was right.

However, I have since come to realize that there are far more paths for a soul to claim other than mortal flesh.

Through my work in The Dreaming I have seen several of my soul's incarnations, taken aback to the very first.

Another world is where my soul was born. Another form which was my own.

I betrayed my own mate and murdered him which also resulted in the alienation of my sister-mate. It is she whom I have searched throughout my lives and every time I have encountered her, although she does not remember me, she knows not to trust me and so I remain alone, forever seeking the time when her soul can forgive mine and we can be reunited.

I have been punished and cast forever out of the form of my first birth.

This is why I have always felt a pull towards horses and yet have never been able to shift into one.

I was born a Mare and in my own way, through the Dreaming, I have returned to my roots. If not in form, then at least in name.

I know the name of what I am.

I now know who I am. 

I dream of you.

I will find you. 

Through The Dreaming we shall be reunited, even if it is only so you can once again renounce me. 

Words:

I am a terrible fighter. Like, embarrassingly bad.

Despite my size and build, I'm clumsy and uncoordinated. I can't block to save my life and my punches are weak. My only saving grace is that I can take a shit-ton of damage before going down. Also, if my hands or feet get anywhere near your genitals, or it there is a sharp object within reach, then you will get fucked up. I'm all about the cheap shots.

Words are my power. They always have been. Not in an obvious way. I'll never win an insult match IRL because my reaction time is too slow. It still surprises me that I'm able to think up snarky come-backs on-line as fast as I do because I've always had a problem with becoming tongue-tied in similar situations IRL.

So I rely on deviousness. My first real weapon was my Craft. From the time I was 12-years-old I was hexing anyone who pissed me off and I delighted in watching their worlds crumble around them. Later, I learned how to expand my manipulation of energy from spells to people. I didn't need to hex them, not when I could reshape their energy to my will and turn it against them, or worse, infect them with my own.

My love of words expands to this. When I screw around with someone's ju-ju, I usually think of a single word, and repeat it within my head with as much force as possible. It helps me focus my intentions.

Not this shit again:

"You must play once more to stop it."

It's not fuckin' Jumanji, you stupid bitch!

On one hand, I'm pretty sure that watching this film will be the equivalent of giving myself a lobotomy. But on the other hand, I do so love anything which encourages the irrational fear of Ouija boards within others.

Hell, it still boggles my mind how many actual Occultists piss themselves in terror over these damned things.

Ouija/Spirit boards and other scrying paraphernalia are nothing more than focusing tools.

The fuckin' board isn't the conduit, dipshit, YOU are.

Sometimes the music just isn't loud enough. I turn it up until my ears hurt and it's still not enough to down out the noise in my head.

I just let everything build up and purge it out. Empty myself of every bit of energy I possess. Just push it as far down into the earth as possible until I'm hallowed out completely.

Then I can finally sleep and feed and once the dreams begin to settle and be influenced by this sickness inside of me once again, then I start the whole wretched process over.

Pendants and Sigils

4 years ago I designed a sigil for myself. This was one of my best works, if I do say so myself, and I waited for a very special occasion in which to charge it.

That occasion occurred this past Friday.

Now I am in negotiations with a lady metalworker in hopes that she will make it into a pendant for me to wear.

On a similar note, about 12 years back I bought a pendant which meant a great deal to me. The unique design and symbolism made it one of my top personable talismans, which I wore constantly.

A few years back, it vanished. I kept it with me everywhere, so I have no clue what could have happened to it. After about two years went by I tried searching for it on-line, but since it was a unique piece made by a blacksmith and commissioned in the store in which I purchased it, I have been unable to find anything close to it's design on-line.

This is what initially led me to create my Sigil....that and because I wanted something that would represent something very personal to me....a few very personal things in fact.

Now, earlier this year I made a pack with my Lady.....which I almost never do because the price is always a bit too high for my preference and the Divine never gives away anything for free. I promised her the usual sacrifices on my part if she would help me find my necklace. Immediately she responded....not so much with words, but with the faint sound of what could only be described as a gong. Seeing how we have nothing of the sort anywhere near the general vicinity, it was pretty obvious that she heard and agreed.

Of course given the fact that I don't make such deals that often, I made a very noob-ish mistake and didn't specific that she could have her sacrifice after I received my necklace, neither did I put any limited as to just how much she could take from our agreed form of payment.

Take note my young Witchlings, never trust outside sources when it comes to your Craft, especially the Divine, because if your wording isn't as precise as possible then you will suffer for it.

Anywho, just when I had given up hope, I accidentally stumbled upon the name of the blacksmith who made my necklace.....something I had specifically searched for over the course of several years just suddenly fell into my lap no less than 10 minutes ago.

I'm going ahead and ordering it, and if I ever find my original one, then I will turn the new one into a bracelet or something, as it is a very important symbol in my faith.

Life is so awesome.....painful, but awesome. :)

Dream Feeding:

The Dream is fading now...

Such a shame. This was the first time I was able to sink my teeth into you, and you were absolutely delicious.

I have waited almost two decades for a taste of you and while you were more than worth the wait, I wish I had more time to savor the experience.

Oh well, there's always next time.

And trust me, there will be a next time.

The Lady in Orange: by: Ntozake Shange

You don't know me, I am not
a deliberate coquette who never
did without.
What I want and I
wanted to be unforgettable.
I wanted to be a memory,
a wound to every man arrogant enough to want me.
I am the wrath of women in
windows fingerin shades.
Ol lace curtains camouflaging despair and
stretch marks.
I glittered honestly delighted
I am desired and allowed those especially
schemin tactful suitors to experience my body and spirit.
Tearin so easily blending with
theirs.
And they were so happy and lay on
my lime sheets full and wet from
my tongue.
I kissed them reverently even ankles
edges of beards... 

All the colors of the rainbow:

My Mate keeps asking me just what type of "Witch" category I would fall under: white, black or grey.

I always immediately answer none of the above because I'm a Warlock, not a Witch. (Yeah, same difference, but I'm allowed to snark about it every now and again.)

He's asking because he's met a Witch, or someone married to a Witch and they apparently use the whole color thing to describe themselves, which there's nothing wrong with doing that, I just don't personally prescribe to it.

I mean, if we're talking colors then I'm pretty much plaid, or maybe polka-dotted. I don't really fit into the other three very neatly. That would suggest order, something which I'm not a huge fan of when it comes to my Craft.

I finally told him that as a balanced practitioner of the Occult, I would therefore learn more towards grey, if those were the only three choices available to me.

Reality Wicca:

There's some dumbass reality show on my TV right now with a Wiccan on it. A Wiccan who doesn't know the difference between a pentagram and a pentacle.

One of the other crusty twats on this show is paranoid that she hexed her, and she's trying to explain that she doesn't believe in that type of Witchcraft.

I have people ask me a lot whether or not I've hexed them and 99% of the time, I haven't because they're not worth the effort, but I never tell then that. I never come right out and tell them that I've hexed them, but I will allude to it.

People tend to be their own worst enemies and I'm not above taking advantage of their paranoia.

If I actually hex someone, I don't tell them about it. I will adamantly deny hexing them if they ask. I never threaten someone with a hex, unless I have zero intention of hexing them, in which case I'll just mumble some vague mumbojumbo at them in order to exploit their fears.

I've had a lot of people tell me that they were going to hex me, or bind me, and I never bother to retaliate against them. I don't have to.

What people don't seem to understand is that this mortal shell of mine is not mine alone. My mind, body and soul are the playground of a Higher Power who's very territorial when it comes to my suffering.

Pain is my homage to her and my flesh is her altar.

If someone is dumb enough to trespass on her property and blaspheme against her temple, then they do so at their own peril.

This isn't about protection. Or keeping me safe. I'm not so arrogant to think that my Lady is some type of guardian angel.

No, she just hates to share her toys.

Eclectic:

Eclectic has always been a favorite word of mine, yet I do not identify as an Eclectic Pagan.

Yes, I do believe in the existence of all of the Gods of every religion past, present and future. I don't even really question the existence of Xenu, I just think his cult is weird.

But, I do not practice the beliefs of other religions as part of my own. I will show respect to other religions and their practices, but it is completely separate from my own belief system.

To me, an Eclectic Pagan is one whose spiritual/religious beliefs are a blend of the beliefs of other religions.

I don't celebrate the typical Solstices and so forth that a lot of Neo-Pagans do. I have always honored Halloween, because of the energy generated on that day. I also feel a similar sensation during Christmas, but for me, all of the winter months/weeks/days are equally sacred. I honor the entirety of Winter.

I hold Valentines day equally sacred as the first of May for the same reasons I do Halloween.....the energy. When enough people give off a certain vibe, it changes the entire atmosphere, and I am sensitive to those changes.

My "holy days" revolve around the Moon.

I believe that the universe was created by Chaos, and so I worship that as well as the Darkness, as it was she who called me.

There is no real name for what type of Pagan I am, because my entire religion is based around visions and Dreams.

Basically my faith has no title because I haven't been given one yet.

I might be eccentric, insane and delusional even, but I am not eclectic. At least not so far as my religion goes.

Black Moon:

Are you ready to get your Moon on?

First Snowfall of the Year:

I just collected a bottle of snow for future ritual use.

Yes, I know it will eventually melt and turn into "water", but winter is sacred to me. I don't typically observe the Winter Solstice, because I worshiped the whole of Winter long before I had ever heard of it. From the ending of the Autumn months, until the first days of Spring, I am both enchanted and enthralled with Winter, and as such, snow holds a particularly special meaning to both me and my spiritual path. Every snowfall, made even more precious to me given that they occur so seldom here, I save and freeze a single snowball, which I later offer up as a sacrifice.

Water made from snow is as important to me as Holy Water would be to a Catholic. I use it for anointing, and will even drink small sips of it for purification rituals. 

 

This is something I have always done, consuming snow in some way or another for either empowerment or purification. It's just another one of those things I've always believed. And like a good portion of the parts of my practice which are based around instinct, or my own personal belief, it has always seemed to do the trick.

But then, that could simply be due to the fact that I believe it.

I also, in the rare event that enough snow can be found, make snow Poppets, for either beneficial or malefic reasons.

Snowmen make for some awesome mediums when it comes to blessings and/or hexing.

Belief & Doubts:

One thing that anti-Theists seem obsessed with is that Theists are ignorant, superstitious fools who blindly follow an unproven faith based off the works of people who died thousands of years ago.

For one thing, my religion is based off what I have seen within my own mind. There are no books to follow, only glimpses and visions, which I'm quite sure would be dismissed as nothing more than delusions by those who do not believe in such things.....Hell, even other Theists tend to think my beliefs are nuts.

As for blind acceptance.....I have refused to do things which were requested of me. I serve the Primordial Darkness, and while there is much beauty to be found within my faith and within the Darkness itself, there is also a great deal of things which are not quite so pleasant.

My Lady also rules over Flesh and all things which lay in-between. She is the Darkness, but is a sorta Proto-Goddess over the other two. One of many.

The path of the Flesh views all acts of the flesh as sacred. It was during my years when I was a novice traveling this path when I had a type of spiritual break-down.

There were some truths revealed to me which I could not accept or handle at the time. I was beyond horrified, I was in despair. For a time I turned my back on my faith.


That was about 8 years ago. Shortly after my crisis of faith, some events happened in my life which made me realize that while I might turn my back on my Lady, she is still there, and gave me comfort when I needed it the most.

Oh, she is amused by my pain, whether it is physical or mental, but she also loves me for it and that is something I am able to take comfort in.

I have never really been able to accept what turned me away in the first place, but I understand it, and that is all which is required of me. 

So no, Theists don't always close their minds to everything unpleasent in their faith, nor do we always blindly follow it. We question, and doubt, and fear just like anyone else.

The only difference is that in the end, we are able to live with those questions and still trust in the belief of higher powers.

That doesn't make us stupid, or inferior.

We are simply believers in something far greater than our own mortal shells.

Trespassers:

Someone with a familiar energy signature came to visit me within The Dreaming last night.

They kept asking for my name. Not the name my parents gave to me upon my birth, but my true name, and I could not give it to them because I could not remember what it was. 

Within the Twilight of The Dreaming, this me, any part of me which is human, does not exist. There are flashes of it, and memories, but this body and mind are nothing more than a chrysalis. Within The Dreaming, I have moved beyond that.

I do not fear trespassers. If you wish to venture inside of my head, then please, you are more than welcome.

Just don't come crying to me afterwards. If you wish to commune with the abyss, then be prepared for the consequences.

Sticks & Stones:

Whenever I scry with runes, I rarely use stones.....I have some nice rune stones, but mostly they gather dust on my altar.

Instead I prefer to scry through sticks. I have 31 bamboo sticks (when I began using them, I didn't know jack about the meanings behind different trees, I just picked them because our yard at the time was overrun with the shit and I liked the way they looked). The sticks are about 4-5 inches long and about as thick as a pinky finger bone. I keep them in a basket and toss them on the ground whenever I wish to use this particular medium.Then I just lose myself in the patterns the sticks make, until a shape jumps out at me, which I compare to whatever rune symbol the configuration brings to mind.

I also do this with trees during the winter months. I'll stare at their branches, meditation on the various patterns until I see the shape of a rune. It's kinda like looking into one of those magic eye pictures and trying to find whatever shape is hidden within them. It's not nearly as efficient as grabbing a few stones or bones out of a bag, but it's what works for me. 

Dream - Nov. 10th 2013

My Dream began within a house, that shared similarities to a single-wide trailer that my Maternal Grandmother once lived in.

A lot is blurred, but at the time the Dream was extremely vivid. At no point during the Dream did I realize that I was within the Dreaming.

I arrived during the afternoon. It was still day light outside. There were several people within the house, and I knew them, but they are nobody I know in the real world.

Night came and the house became ominous. Again, I'm not able to remember much. I should have recorded it immediately, but there was too much to do after I woke up and I forgot all about it until just now.

There was a room which had an antique style vaulted ceiling with open, exposed beams. There were toys in the room which appeared antique as well. Dolls and a jack-in-the-box. All of them were smiling, the paint of their faces faded and cracked. Their eyes followed me as I moved through the house, watching.

I stepped outside and there was a large, cement park, with a twisting, spiral drive. I had seen the park before, and I suddenly knew what was coming. I also knew that if I followed the roadway to the bottom, that I would find water. I had been there before and ran that way once. At the time, I had also known that water was lurking there, but what I ran from was far worse than the abyss beneath.
 

On the other side of the park was a prison. Troubled teens are kept there, locked within. I haven't been there in a long while, but I used to find myself locked in with the others when I was a teenager. I would spend the entire dream trying to escape.

A few of the people from the house had followed me outside and one by one they began to change. It was if they were possessed by something.

I returned to inside of the house, even though I knew that it would offer no protection against whatever was outside.

I went to the room with the toys and climbed up on top of the ceiling. I sat on the rafters while everyone within the house became possessed by the same entity. They shambled around like a cross between a zombie and one of the Deadites from the Evil Dead movies.
 

I sat up in that room, and did my best not to make a sound. The toys came to life and looked up at me. Their eyes were full of malevolence. Then the roof began to disappear, caving in at some parts and just vanishing at others.

The commotion caused by the roof attracted the attention of the possessed and they began to climb up to me.

That is when I woke up.

NO ENERGY FOR YOU!!!

Being ridiculed for practicing the Occult doesn't offend me......I mean, let's face it, if I weren't who I am then I'd think I was either crazy or full of shit too.

However, it does irk me whenever I happen to stumble upon a baby Witchling who immediately asks me to send them some positive energy because of some bullshit or another going on in either their lives or the lives of someone they know....

I am not an energy vending machine.

Yes, I often cast off my own energy into others, but that's only because it has a tendency to turn toxic if it's allowed to stagnate for too long and it's far more amusing to infect others with it than simply ground it......also, storing my "waste" energy into other people is a good way to filter and recharge it. It's one of the ways in which I feed from others, as consciously feeding from non-infected targets screws with my shifting. Hence the reason why I always keeps a few Thralls around. And even thought I technically don't need to feed that way anymore, I still like to keep my options open.

Watching their lives turn to complete shit due to having to carrying around my calamitous ju-ju is just a bonus.

Anywho, back to my origional rant-topic....

Why do people do this? Seriously? They don't know me. I could have serial killer energy festering up inside of me. I could be a walking time-bomb of creepy-crawlies and destruction!

....oh, wait.....I am.

Just....do yourselves a huge favor and don't go around pestering complete strangers for positive mojo, or healing vibes, or anything of that nature because depending on who you ask, you might just end up with a helluva lot more than you bargained for.