Waking Up:

My usual week of not walking around completely emotionally neutered is here and yet it's taking longer than usual for me to wake up.

Some females go through a physical transformation once a month, but that is not something I deal with. Instead I spend a week out of each Moon giving into everything I strive so hard to repress the rest of the time.

The twisted shit is coiling around inside of my head. The type of shit I couldn't even begin to put into words because they go beyond a cry for attention or help into straight-up psyche-ward territory.

Whispers and thoughts and the promise of vile deeds. They fill my very being like a lover's caress.  

Like the fluttering of a month's wings.

Delusional is acceptable within the Occult, but perversity is something to disprove of and wag a finger at.

It's not easy silencing myself. Especially when the human species gives me so many delightful tragedies to get giddy over.

There's a reason my Lady choose me. There is a part of me that embraces the worst the Darkness has to offer and I relish in it.

So yes, the sickness is wide awake, but that high I usually feel when it starts going really good is missing.

I'm not the way I am just because I want to offend those around me. I don't destroy people's lives just for the Hell of it. 

Not for attention, as if I wanted something from you, I would take it. I don't need to work for it. 

Your very Dreaming lies naked and vulnerable to me, wide open for ravishment if I so desire.  

And there are so many of you whom I have already violated quite thoroughly.

Not for you do I do this, but the way it makes me feel, when I'm neck-deep in Chaos and viscera. When my fingers are manipulating your strings. When I make you dance for my pleasure. 

That feeling inside......a thousand times better than any high, any orgasm, any feeling that can be imagined.

It is power. The type of power that makes me disregard my very mortal fears of hubris. It is the power of a God.

And why not?

Not all Gods rule over Creation. 

Summoning Psychopomps:

I'm not entirely sure just what type of entity that thing is supposed to be...whether it's a demon, an angel, or a Godsdamn faerie....but I do know that a frakin' pentacle isn't the correct symbol needed to ritualistically summon it's bony ass up from whatever back-water Hell dimension it happens to reside in.
 

Seriously, WTF is that thing? It looks like the bastard love child of The Grim Reaper and Baphomet.

Sister Lost:

I once made the claim that I had never lived before this life. I do not disbelieve in reincarnation, but I do not believe that it is a rule which affects all people.

During the years when I held this belief regarding my own soul, I was convinced that I had never before lived as a human being.

In this I was right.

However, I have since come to realize that there are far more paths for a soul to claim other than mortal flesh.

Through my work in The Dreaming I have seen several of my soul's incarnations, taken aback to the very first.

Another world is where my soul was born. Another form which was my own.

I betrayed my own mate and murdered him which also resulted in the alienation of my sister-mate. It is she whom I have searched throughout my lives and every time I have encountered her, although she does not remember me, she knows not to trust me and so I remain alone, forever seeking the time when her soul can forgive mine and we can be reunited.

I have been punished and cast forever out of the form of my first birth.

This is why I have always felt a pull towards horses and yet have never been able to shift into one.

I was born a Mare and in my own way, through the Dreaming, I have returned to my roots. If not in form, then at least in name.

I know the name of what I am.

I now know who I am. 

I dream of you.

I will find you. 

Through The Dreaming we shall be reunited, even if it is only so you can once again renounce me. 

Words:

I am a terrible fighter. Like, embarrassingly bad.

Despite my size and build, I'm clumsy and uncoordinated. I can't block to save my life and my punches are weak. My only saving grace is that I can take a shit-ton of damage before going down. Also, if my hands or feet get anywhere near your genitals, or it there is a sharp object within reach, then you will get fucked up. I'm all about the cheap shots.

Words are my power. They always have been. Not in an obvious way. I'll never win an insult match IRL because my reaction time is too slow. It still surprises me that I'm able to think up snarky come-backs on-line as fast as I do because I've always had a problem with becoming tongue-tied in similar situations IRL.

So I rely on deviousness. My first real weapon was my Craft. From the time I was 12-years-old I was hexing anyone who pissed me off and I delighted in watching their worlds crumble around them. Later, I learned how to expand my manipulation of energy from spells to people. I didn't need to hex them, not when I could reshape their energy to my will and turn it against them, or worse, infect them with my own.

My love of words expands to this. When I screw around with someone's ju-ju, I usually think of a single word, and repeat it within my head with as much force as possible. It helps me focus my intentions.

Not this shit again:

"You must play once more to stop it."

It's not fuckin' Jumanji, you stupid bitch!

On one hand, I'm pretty sure that watching this film will be the equivalent of giving myself a lobotomy. But on the other hand, I do so love anything which encourages the irrational fear of Ouija boards within others.

Hell, it still boggles my mind how many actual Occultists piss themselves in terror over these damned things.

Ouija/Spirit boards and other scrying paraphernalia are nothing more than focusing tools.

The fuckin' board isn't the conduit, dipshit, YOU are.

Sometimes the music just isn't loud enough. I turn it up until my ears hurt and it's still not enough to down out the noise in my head.

I just let everything build up and purge it out. Empty myself of every bit of energy I possess. Just push it as far down into the earth as possible until I'm hallowed out completely.

Then I can finally sleep and feed and once the dreams begin to settle and be influenced by this sickness inside of me once again, then I start the whole wretched process over.

Pendants and Sigils

4 years ago I designed a sigil for myself. This was one of my best works, if I do say so myself, and I waited for a very special occasion in which to charge it.

That occasion occurred this past Friday.

Now I am in negotiations with a lady metalworker in hopes that she will make it into a pendant for me to wear.

On a similar note, about 12 years back I bought a pendant which meant a great deal to me. The unique design and symbolism made it one of my top personable talismans, which I wore constantly.

A few years back, it vanished. I kept it with me everywhere, so I have no clue what could have happened to it. After about two years went by I tried searching for it on-line, but since it was a unique piece made by a blacksmith and commissioned in the store in which I purchased it, I have been unable to find anything close to it's design on-line.

This is what initially led me to create my Sigil....that and because I wanted something that would represent something very personal to me....a few very personal things in fact.

Now, earlier this year I made a pack with my Lady.....which I almost never do because the price is always a bit too high for my preference and the Divine never gives away anything for free. I promised her the usual sacrifices on my part if she would help me find my necklace. Immediately she responded....not so much with words, but with the faint sound of what could only be described as a gong. Seeing how we have nothing of the sort anywhere near the general vicinity, it was pretty obvious that she heard and agreed.

Of course given the fact that I don't make such deals that often, I made a very noob-ish mistake and didn't specific that she could have her sacrifice after I received my necklace, neither did I put any limited as to just how much she could take from our agreed form of payment.

Take note my young Witchlings, never trust outside sources when it comes to your Craft, especially the Divine, because if your wording isn't as precise as possible then you will suffer for it.

Anywho, just when I had given up hope, I accidentally stumbled upon the name of the blacksmith who made my necklace.....something I had specifically searched for over the course of several years just suddenly fell into my lap no less than 10 minutes ago.

I'm going ahead and ordering it, and if I ever find my original one, then I will turn the new one into a bracelet or something, as it is a very important symbol in my faith.

Life is so awesome.....painful, but awesome. :)